kickin tina

Raid of the Rainbow Lounge: Official Trailer

2012-02-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

Adele - Baby It's You

2012-02-18T01:13:00.000-07:00

Whitney Houston I Didn't Know My Own Strength Live AMA 2009 HD

2012-02-16T02:16:00.000-07:00

Chet Baker - My Funny Valentine (Full Version)

2012-02-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

Soup Clips: RuPaul Returns

2012-02-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

THE ILLUMINATI FOLD THEIR HAND.

2012-02-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

Die Antwoord Mega Zef Rap Rave Jol Vol 1 (Official)

2012-02-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

messy

2012-01-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

image credit...biel capllonch

Chaotic people often have chaotic lives, and I think they create that. But if you try and have an inner peace and a positive attitude, I think you attract that.

Imelda Staunton

i went to the saturday morning meeting i usually attend and was dumbstruck at the sheer stupidity of the meeting. share after share were words ballooned with ego and self-indulgence. many people amongst the hundred or so there were restless and unquiet. for me, the afore-mentioned was my first reaction, but as i sat i remembered that life is just as this meeting is today. messy. unkempt. disturbing. unsettling. chaos. and i realized then that despite this fact. i will be okay. and so will all those troubled souls in the meeting today. or not.

METH

2012-01-13T05:52:00.000-07:00

Backin Up Song!! - [Walk off the Earth]

2012-01-10T06:02:00.000-07:00

howlin for you

2012-01-07T12:20:00.001-07:00

over the last 2 years i have become enamored with an argentine sauce called chimishurri. recently while in philadelphia, i had dinner with friend at a restaurant called cafe 943. I had a simple skirt steak with chimichurri. i now find myself over a month later still mooning over the pungent qualities of that sauce. it was an encounter i could have over and over again. the following seems to be as close as i can come to trying to recreate it. i welcome you to do the same...pretty sure you won't be diappointed.

recipe reposted from asado argentino

Here is my personal favorite recipe for chimichurri sauce(main article). You can mix it all together but I prefer to go through a 3-step process while preparing the sauce.

1/2 Cup Olive Oil (For a more mellow flavor use a neutral flavored oil)
1/4 Cup Red Wine Vinegar
1/4 Cup Water
1 small bunch flat leaf-parsley; chopped (should equal about 1/2 cup)
1 medium onion; finely chopped
4 cloves garlic; finely minced
1/2 of a red bell pepper; seeded and finely diced
1 tomato; peeled, seeded, finely chopped
1 Tablespoon dried oregano
1 Tablespoon paprika
1 Teaspoon bay leaf (laurel); very small flakes
1 Tablespoon coarse salt
1 Teaspoon ground black pepper
hot chili flakes to taste (Aji Molido if you can find it)

Make sure all of the fresh ingredients are well washed and clean before preparing.

Add all of the ingredients except the oil and vinegar into a large bowl and toss well to make sure that the salt is spread evenly around the ingredients. Allow to rest for 30 minutes.

Next add the vinegar and water. Mix well. Allow to rest for 30 minutes.

Finally add the oil and mix well. Make sure that the liquids cover the rest of the ingredients. If not add equal parts of oil, water, and vinegar until they are covered at least by a quarter of an inch. Transfer to a non-reactive clean bowl or jar that can be covered. Make sure to cover well. Place in the refrigerator to allow the flavors to blend overnight. For better results prepare at least 2 or 3 days ahead of time. If refrigerated, allow sauce to sit at room temperature for at least an hour or until the oil, if congealed, thins out before serving.

The Boiling Liquid Method: Many in Argentina like to add an extra step to their chimichurri preparation that includes boiling the water and salt together -perhaps the vinegar too- before immediately pouring the mixture over the rest of the ingredients before the oil is added. This helps to tame the pungency of the garlic and parsley thus creating a more mild and smooth chimichurri. This method also works very well if you are short for time and need a well-balanced chimichurri yet do not have the time to let it sit for a day or more before serving. Give it a try.

MAD TV - Worlds Queeniest Police Chases

2012-01-02T14:57:00.000-07:00

it's a football thing

2011-12-31T07:39:00.001-07:00

The Creepshow - Merry Christmas Baby

2011-12-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

Christmas Time

2011-12-24T09:14:00.000-07:00

Bon Iver - Towers - Live on Jools Holland 2011 [HD]

2011-12-13T06:39:00.000-07:00

Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby

2011-12-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas Baby - Wanda Jackson & The Continentals

2011-12-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

Tina- she's just a pipe dream

2011-12-05T17:53:00.000-07:00

GLEEK SQUADS

2011-12-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

THE GIRL CAN'T HELP IT!!!

2011-11-21T19:21:00.001-07:00

november 17th... festival of lights.... mad as hell

2011-11-18T05:30:00.000-07:00

November 17: Historic Day of Action for the 99%

Posted 6 hours ago on Nov. 18, 2011, 1:11 a.m. EST by OccupyWallSt

November 17 Day of Action:

Over 30,000 People Rally in New York City (NYPD estimated 32,500), including organized contingents of workers, students, and other members of “the 99%”
Actions in at least 30 cities across the country and around the world
Commemoration of 2-Months Since Birth of the 99% Movement, Festival of Lights on Brooklyn Bridge
Blockade of all Entry-Points to NYSE; hundreds participate in nonviolence civil disobedience
Sense that a powerful and diverse civic movement for social justice is on the ascent

Tens of thousands took action Thursday, November 17 to demand that our political system serve all of us — not just the wealthy and powerful. The NYPD estimated tonight’s crowd at 32,500 people, at the culmination of the day of action. Thousands more also mobilized in at least 30 cities across the United States. Demonstrations were also held in cities around the world.
"Our political system should serve all of us — not just the very rich and powerful. Right now Wall Street owns Washington," said participant Beka Economopoulos. "We are the 99% and we are here to reclaim our democracy."
New York led the charge in this energizing day for the emerging movement. In the wake of billionaire Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s predawn raid of Occupy Wall Street at Liberty Square, 1:00am Tuesday morning, thousands of people throughout the five boroughs and the greater region converged to take peaceful action. Following Bloomberg’s action, the slogan “You can’t evict an idea whose time has come” became the new meme of the 99% movement overnight. The mobilization today proved that the movement is on the ascent and is capable of navigating obstacles.

reposted from www.occupywallstreet.org
read the rest of the article there.

simply

2011-11-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

Meth Project Official Ad - Desperate

2011-11-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

welcome to the show

2011-11-06T14:20:00.001-07:00

one thing i have come to love about meetings is the audacious miracle involved with a myriad of artful dodgers, minstrels, thieves, liars, gypsies, and grifters all coming together in one room and listening to each other. quietly listening. reflective listening. this is a complete shift in perception for these folks. it used to be all about them.

the willingness to let others shine, the desire to stay within the lines, the intention to support others in their journey. this about-face that has taken place in the lives of these characters is the best show in town.

and i am happy with a front row seat!

Ten Years After - I'd Love to Change the World - Alvin Lee

2011-11-01T21:48:00.000-06:00

in my often frenetic online life, amidst my multi-site posting and sharing, i came across a vid on youtube which was entitled "ten years after 9/11". needless to say i was inspired to recall a band that played woodstock that had that very name. it seemed an imperative to share that song. the more things change... the more they do seem the same.

I'd love to Change The World
lyrics and music ...Alvin Lee

Spoken 'Now, turn on'
Everywhere is freaks and hairys
Dykes and fairies
Tell me where is sanity?

Tax the rich, feed the poor
Till we run out, rich no more
I'd love to change the world
(Dee-dee-dee-dee)
But I don't know what to do
(Dee-eee-dee-dee-dee-dee)
So I'll leave it up to you-ooo-ooo
(Be in my prayer)
Population, keeps on breedin'
Nation bleedin', still more feedin'
Economy

Life is funny, skies are sunny
Bees made honey, who needs money?
Monopoly

I'd love to change the world
But I don't know what to do
(Dee-eee-dee-dee-dee-dee
So I'll leave it up to you-you-ooo
(We-eee-dee-dee-dee-dee)
Oh, yeah!

(Rich or poor)
(It's your fault)
(Screw you)

more pollutions, there's no solutions
Restitution, mass confusions

Spread the word
Rich or poor
Save the earth
Stop the war

Spoken:
(And we've got nothin' to do)
(Just turn on)

I'd love to change the world
But I don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you-ooo-ooo, woo-ooo
Woo-ooo-ooo-ooo
(Dee-eee-dee-dee-dee-dee)

Just turn me on.

SCANNERS (1981) - Head Explosion

2011-10-30T17:42:00.000-06:00

Boo.... Bitch!!!

Happy Halloween..

Old Crow Medicine Show - Methamphetamine

2011-10-27T19:32:00.000-06:00

amy and her losing game

2011-10-26T22:12:00.002-06:00

Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities.
Oscar Wilde

well, now we understand, once again, that this disease can be serious and people can be cruel..

Amy Winehouse - Love Is A Losing Game (Live) by LGX

Le Nocturne de Lumiere

2011-10-24T20:12:00.000-06:00

“Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing.”... William S Burroughs.

Yvonne Fair - It Should Have Been Me

2011-10-20T22:36:00.000-06:00

kickin tina - rod rushing - Picasa Web Albums

2011-10-15T19:48:00.000-06:00

kickin tina - rod rushing - Picasa Web Albums

Occupy Wall Street Commercial

2011-10-15T06:50:00.000-06:00

out

2011-10-11T07:20:00.000-06:00

the tweaker's life

2011-10-08T10:00:00.000-06:00

Marijuana VS. Crystal Meth - Funny but true video

2011-10-06T18:44:00.000-06:00

Jimmy Ross - First True Love Affair (Larry Levan Mix)

2011-10-04T07:02:00.000-06:00

occupy wall street ...

2011-09-30T21:20:00.000-06:00

Occupy Wall Street Protest: 12 Days and Little Sign of Slowing Down

By: NATE RAWLINGS... reposted from timenewsfeed

A protester looks in his bag in Zuccotti Park, where demonstrators against the economic system have been gathering since September 17

Michael Nagle / Getty Images

Nearly two weeks ago, an estimated 3,000 people assembled at Battery Park with the intention of occupying Wall Street. They were an eclectic group, mostly young, some with beards and tattoos, other dressed in shorts and sneakers; a few even wore suits for the occasion. But nearly everyone was angry at what they saw as a culture of out-of-control greed. They didn't succeed — at least not geographically, forgoing Wall Street for nearby Zuccotti Park, just around the corner from Ground Zero.

(MORE: Police Use Pepper Spray on Wall Street Protesters)

Over the past 12 days, however, those numbers have grown. On a late-night visit to Zuccotti Park on Tuesday, the fecklessness and disorganization reported earlier in the New York Times seemed largely absent. A protest that began in utter dysfunction has given way to a fairly organized movement with a base camp for its most stalwart members, now numbering more than 300 people, who have slept in the park for 12 nights straight–and who say they intend to stay.

Perhaps no incident galvanized the protesters more than their march north to Union Square on Sept. 24. Police arrested nearly 80 people whom they say were blocking traffic, and video of a penned-in female protester being pepper sprayed by a police officer went viral on the web. The protesters have posted the video on their website and a picture of the woman adorns the board at the entrance to the park, at what's now become the groups quasi-official information booth. At small table, posterboards lay out the schedule for the day, which includes marches down to Wall Street for the stock exchange's opening and closing bells, each followed by a "General Assembly" where the various groups gather to discuss their goals, their current status and what might come next.

The park has become a semi-permanent home, complete with a medical station and a distribution point for food and water. The protesters have organized themselves into committees to remove the garbage, roam the camp to enforce a ban on open flames (an evictable offense in the eyes of the NYPD) and engage with the people in the area. A couple of pizza joints, a Burger King and a deli have let the protesters use their bathrooms; some have even donated food. In the middle of the park is a media center where protesters send out Twitter updates and live-stream the latest news on their website. At 1 am Wednesday, more than 3,000 people were sending in questions while a young woman in a yellow poncho answered them on a live feed.

But while "Occupy Wall Street" has become more organized, its demands haven't coalesced into a coherent message. The only thing its various constituent groups appear to have in common is a deep-seated anger at inequality in this country. For them Wall Street symbolizes that unfairness, but the groups have other concerns as well. Many want to redistribute wealth; others want to enlarge government social programs. Some are protesting against the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Daniel Levine, a journalism student from upstate New York, said he was taking a stand against the controversial method of natural gas extraction known as hydrofracking in his hometown – but also noted that the practice can bring jobs to economically disadvantaged regions.

Just as it lacks a single message, the "Occupy Wall Street" movement has been defined by the absence of a clear leader. Participants say that is by design, and point to the committees that have sprung up to tend to the daily needs of those camped in Zuccotti Park. It isn't clear that they want a single leader, and many think the movement is better of without one. “It's kind of cool how it's growing organically,” one said. “People just need to give it time and it'll come together.”

Assuming organizers can keep the protest on the good side of the law, all indications are that it will continue for a long time. A sign by the information booth held a wish list: hats, gloves, tarps, and warm clothing. On live streams on the website, organizers answered questions about what supporters could bring or send. If last weekend is any indication, the numbers could swell this Saturday as supporters come in from out of town. For those who eventually leave again, Levine hopes that they take the skills they've learned back to their communities to continue to protest for whatever cause they support. "Every person who's been here more than three days can completely organize a protest in their hometowns," Levine says. "This is the most productive homelessness I've ever seen."

www.occupywallstreet.org

Greetings from Occupied Wall Street,

Posted Sept. 30, 2011, 5:06 a.m. EST by OccupyWallSt

Occupy Wall Street has recently come into the media spotlight, not because of our political message, but because certain high-ranking members of the NYPD punched, threw, and stepped on peaceful marchers. Arrestees were handcuffed so tight their hands turned blue. Many of these people have yet to regain feeling in their extremities. A senior police officer infamously forced women into pens and maced them at point-blank range. While we vehemently condemn these abuses of power, we urge all who read this to remain focused on our intended message. Abuse of power is abuse of power. Whether perpetrated by Wall Street bankers or members of the NYPD, it is the duty of all citizens to oppose injustice. We condemn the actions of unprofessional police who used excessive force in subduing a peaceful march. But we are foremost here to oppose the growing power of the ruling class.
Let us also be clear that, when approached as individuals, members of the NYPD have expressed solidarity with our cause. It has been inspiring to receive this support. Over these thirteen days, we have learned that no one supports corporations’ disproportionate influence in the political sphere. We have learned that no one is in favor of evicting struggling families to the street while banks continue to profit. No one, that is, except the corporations and banks. We urge members of the NYPD to remain in solidarity with our cause. These men and women could lose their pensions and benefits during the next round of budget cuts. We ask that members of the NYPD treat all peaceful human beings with respect and care. This will be a great step towards reclaiming power for the working class. Those who profit off the suffering of others will held accountable. We are the 99%, and we are too big to fail.
Tonight we march to One Police Plaza.

bear hug

2011-09-27T21:24:00.001-06:00

In the winter of 2004, I dropped into a Sunday service ofThe Denver Church of Religious Science at 1420 Ogden. To my surprise, there wasa small dark room peppered with normal looking folks all hugging teddy bears of all colors and sizes, some bears in bow tiesand some bears in leather vests and chaps. Everyone was listening to this guy(turned out to be Jim Chandler) giving what must have been a sermon. It was the bear-hug service. It felt as if Ihad stumbled onto the set of a “Will and Grace” taping. It was completelysurreal and I hope I never forget it. Here’s a tiny blurb I found about BearhugService.

On Valentine’s Day, our little messengers will make their final trip toHospice. Each hospice resident will havethe opportunity to select their special bear – a bear to be there even whentheir family or caregivers cannot. Abear to give them comfort on their journey from this life expression. The caregivers at Hospice who give so muchfrom their heart will also choose their bear, to fill their hearts again withour love. And, any family members orfriends of those in care may choose a bear to help mend their hearts at thistime of loss.

The next time Isaw/met Jim Chandler was when a friend and I were looking for a space to housea recovery meeting for meth users. There was another genre of recovery meetingthat has just moved into the Ogden location and it seemed perfect. Jim was acomplete advocate to get us clearance to use the space. He talked about howmany of his gay male church members continued to struggle with meth issues,many to the point of devastation of their lives. He indicated he felt it waslike a plague and wanted to help with more than just lip service. It turned outhe took quite a bit of flack from his board. Many were not at all happy thattweakers would be roaming the halls of the church in the evenings unsupervised.Those meetings that started in those days are still going strong and it is notcompletely known how many Denver gay men (and others) that have been supportedin finding their way back into a healthier lifestyle. He would never haveacknowledged it, but it was because of Jim Chandler that gay men in recoveryfrom crystal meth had access to find their own voices.

These are myexperiences with Jim Chandler. He did a lot for our community without fanfareand without a calling card. He didn’t always require grant money and he didn’trequire research strategies to do outreach and help provide services. He wasnot perfect by any means, but he was a valuable and colorful member of theDenver central HIV community.

When I started thisnewsletter, I immediately asked him to contribute. He always did, withoutreservation- something I struggle to get service providers who get paid verygood salaries to care for HIVsters to do. He sent article after articlepeppered with his own brand of idealism and religious science. I was trulysaddened to hear about his transition. And I feel for his longtime companionSteve. I guess I will continue to have abear hug service for the both of them.

Ed Sheeran - The A Team (Official Music Video) OUT NOW!

2011-09-24T19:16:00.000-06:00

Tears for Fears Original 80's video in HQ PALE SHELTER

2011-09-22T05:40:00.000-06:00

How can I be sure ?
When your intrusion is my illusion
How can I be sure
When all the time you changed my mind
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure

When you don’t give me love
You gave me pale shelter
You don’t give me love
You give me cold hands
And I can’t operate on this failure
When all I want to be is
Completely in command

How can I be sure
For all you say you keep me waiting
How can I be sure
When all you do is see me through
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure

I’ve been here before
There is no why, no need to try
I thought you had it all
I’m calling you, I’m calling you
I ask for more and more
How can I be sure

LMFAO - Sexy and I Know It

2011-09-18T18:47:00.000-06:00

uncharted

2011-09-16T06:09:00.000-06:00

image credit ... samuel hodge

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

the ideas that i have encountered in my journey to stay clean have far surpassed anything i could have imagined. on the days when i am grounded, i know i feel healthier, happier, and more whole (very queer as i used to repeat an affirmation with those words). and on the days when i am not on my game, sometimes i feel as if i have been turned inside out, like a wayward sock at the bottom of the dryer. all my insides hanging out and picking up lint, the pattern and texture of my life visible for the world to see-(as if anyone is really looking at that stuff but me).

my world view has expanded as my ability to hear others' stories. and all of this torture that i have witnessed and trudged through may just be leading me to a safer and higher overlook. i had no idea that many of the things i have thought about myself were based on misperceptions and circumstances- not truth. i had no idea that i was not to blame for others' inappropriate behaviors. i had no idea that i had every right to be - just the way i am (i honestly had no clue about this- for the whole of my life before sobriety, i quietly believed that somehow i was tainted and wrong)

i didnt' realize that a mental health issue was just like thin hair or brown eyes and could be managed and worked with- after a lifetime of thinking it called the shots. i have learned that not reacting is sometimes the best response to a situation. i am understanding that my impulses-although succinct and powerful- are not necessarily facing a good direction. and i have learned (albeit painful sometimes) that saying "no" to myself is sometimes the kindest thing i can do.

somehow, life has once again become an uncharted adventure for me. the unknowns have moved into my awareness more, but the fear of these aspects is diminishing. life has been full and savory. as i come up on an anniversary and reflect, i let go of more and more regret and find gratitude for the lessons that regret ushered in. i am even in the process of forgiving my betrayers. it's so much saner than holding that jagged chard of glass called resentment (fear)

i always joke with my mother because she was in labor with me for almost 48 hours. it was 1958 and cesareans weren't as commonplace as they are today. i tell her that even though i had agreed to come down to live this life, i was there in the womb, lodging myself in her birth canal, because i was having second thoughts. i had changed my mind (pentimento). i got stage fright and couldn't go on. i knew how hard it was going to be and i didn't think i could do it. and i have echoed those thoughts at several junctions along the way.

yet somehow, with the help of something outside myself, i have managed to do it. this fact, indeed, is a miracle. here's to a funtastic friday and weekend. i'm gonna enjoy this good mood while it's in town.

The Winklevoss Twins | Wonderful Pistachios Get Crackin' Ad [video]

2011-09-14T06:39:00.000-06:00

get crackin'

daft sound

2011-09-11T22:30:00.000-06:00

5865423740_41776f3db8.jpg (500×333):

'via Blog this'

Olivia Newton John - "A Little More Love" 1978

2011-09-10T04:38:00.000-06:00

CLOCK DVA 4 Hours 1981

2011-09-04T20:52:00.000-06:00

image credit... alex ibsen

This is a visual and aural slice of my 80's. The saturated color, the frenetic funmaking, the odd pairings, camp and macabre- sometimes when i look back, i smile. sometimes i wince. mostly, i remember the music. it soothed me and cajoled me and carried me to the next round.

This midmorning awakening

This bleak whiteness, nothingness

The eye that stares through your mirror

A suction entanglement

On stained sheets

Figures with no regrets

Their doubts caste a shadow here

The time drifts

The time swells

The skies melt

In my dream I am older

Everything is soft out of focus

There's this sound which disturbs me

A clarinet plays in the distance

Everything turns black and white

I must go to work

I know where it is

I've been there before

I'll go there this time

They will not have to force me

I'll go there willingly

I'll go there today

This could be New York

This could be London

I don't care anymore

I'm wearing this suit

A black suit

I'm wearing this time

A black tie

I'm carrying this case

A black case

I walk down the street

The people are staring

The taxi cab is slower

A piano falls from above

It smashes in front of me

I fall to the floor

I open this door

I'm back in my room

I see two people asleep

This midmorning awakening

This bleak grey whiteness, nothingness

The eye that stares through your mirror

I see two figures asleep

They look older

You look Older

We're all older

Let us join them in their dreams

We're only four hours

We're only four moments

We're only here too long

Joss Stone - Somehow (New Single 2011) LP1 HD

2011-09-03T22:16:00.000-06:00

Amos Lee sings "Windows Are Rolled Down"

2011-09-02T06:42:00.000-06:00

Pete Burns (dead or alive) talks about Lily Savage

2011-08-31T12:53:00.000-06:00

celebrity rehab

2011-08-27T19:20:00.000-06:00

photo image credit. vh1 blog

somehow i became enthralled with celebrity rehab this season. i have watched an episode here or there, and last season i watched a few. but this year, there have been some moments of this rehab journey that these infamous people and this somewhat famous doctor travelled. sean young (of blade runner fame), michael lohan (yes, lindsay's father), bai ling, and some others- but most illuminated for me is amy fisher(long island lolita).

i'm not sure just what it is that hooked me about this season, but i do remember several moments. i remember amy getting pissed at the cameras following her and being reminded of the paparazzi that chased her in her teens. i remember the group going to a horse ranch and being asked to groom a horse's hoof. sean was thrown from a horse on a movie set, breaking her collarbone and losing a job. it was more than powerful, it was also poetic. there was bai ling having a manic episode and hiding on the roof of the rehab building. she was almost as crazy as some the tweakers i have known- and she was frightened of taking pharmaceuticals to combat her bi-polar disorder, feeling much more comfortable drinking herself into oblivion than trying something new. michael lohan and his phone were perhaps the saddest relationship that got featured on the show he was arguing with the people he loved through his phone for a good portion of the series and missed a very large portion of the treatment as he was high from the chemical releases in his brain from the exaggerated anger that swirled around him.

i don't know at all why i liked this season more than others. i relate to bullshit that they trudge through and i relate to the fear of change that leads the pack in most cases. it's hard to imagine life without a net. and many of us can i relate to only have one real net that will catch us. even if we fall, this particular net will numb the pain. but the damage that living while fucked-up does is not a new story, nor the one that holds my interest any more.

no the elegant story is that change does actually that. it changes things. it rehabilitates life. it unblocks the blocked. it hurts a lot and then feels good. and this celebrity business that envelops the subjects of each season falls a little as one by one experience some sort of therapeutic moment and realize that changing may be (not for certain) but may be smarter than remaining the same.

i understand very well how seeped in ancient drama a person can become. and i think that listening to many of these individuals (as well as many others i know) underscores how easy it is to remain stuck in the past. and changing, really changing, requires letting go of some things.

“One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live inthe present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

Joe Tex-- no bump no more { with no big fat woman }

2011-08-19T18:12:00.000-06:00

Faith No More - Midlife Crisis (Coachella 2010)

2011-08-19T07:04:00.000-06:00

rolling stone

2011-08-17T19:55:00.001-06:00

image credit... chris phillips

I knew if I got loaded I was going away for a while. People would say, Oh, you're just sober because you're on probation.
Charlie Sheen quotes

i have been working with more and more clients who are on probation. probationers are intrinsically different than clients who are voluntarily seeking sobriety. the concept of probation is certainly in need of a 21st century refurbishment, but until that happens the one that is in place is the standard. people get put on probation to facilitate them getting out of custody, but still retaining some constraints and restrictions on their behavior for a non-specific period of time. it's a release from custody with strings.

strangely enough, many of the people i work with who are on probation somehow are challenged to reel in their behaviors to ensure they stay out of jail. this nasty bitch tina does get a slimy grip on them. the dopamine allure becomes so overpowering. they lose the ability to address normal life situations with both feet on the ground. if something a bit challenging comes along, first instinct is to tap the dopamine valve and hide in sketchville.

it becomes numbing to consistently interact with people who are unable to find their center. it's as if they are happiest when they are disconnected and barely tethered. it would seem that probation works for some, but i am not sure what it really accomplishes. jail time, job training, and boot camp may accomplish more.

i wonder sometimes if recidivism has more to do with the possibilities in front of someone than it is the consequences. if a guy can't see any possibility, then it is not a far reach to ask "why try".

i fired someone i was working with this week. they have been consistently fabricating stories, placating, lying, using, manipulating, and generally being a weasel. of course, these traits are consistent with someone with an addiction. and if outpatient treatment isn't effective, and probation isn't effective, then a higher level of care may be needed. and i shared that opinion with a probation officer. but it's also not my style to discharge someone with addiction because they are using. however, consequences are in order, so i transferred care to another provider as well. if they want to stay in treatment, they will have a different counselor and they will have do another intake of sorts to talk about the reasons for a new counselor.

i am not at all sure if this tactic will have effect. i do know that i am weary of acting as cheesecloth to this individuals hogwash. and i think i need to follow my instinct here. having boundaries is still kinda new, but it is definitely growing on me.

Chester French Not Over You

2011-08-14T07:39:00.000-06:00

amanda palmer - "gaga, palmer, madonna", a kitchen-ukulele-blogsong

2011-08-10T01:29:00.000-06:00

shufflin'

2011-08-03T05:52:00.000-06:00

i can still remember when the parties were still fun... and the after parties....

but i can't turn back time... it became something else entirely... but still those days gone by....

Camera Obscura

2011-07-31T08:55:00.000-06:00

brilliance

2011-07-23T12:53:00.000-06:00

damaged goods. i wonder just how difficult it is to pull oneself up from such a deep hole one has dug for themselves. it is no surprise or nothing unusual for musicians to have danced very dangerously with a dark muse, but it has got to be excruciatingly hard to listen and read all the shit that has been polluting the web and press and find the courage to see beyond it.

i am very sorry that this happened to you amy. being lost is so very hard enough. it's ugly that you got bullied, too.

peace to you. you are brilliant in my eyes.

Grace Jones - Nipple To The Bottle RARE

2011-07-20T18:56:00.000-06:00

California Gurls Parody- Lady Bunny

2011-07-20T06:20:00.000-06:00

Hercules & Love Affair - Time Will

2011-07-19T07:34:00.000-06:00

growing up beside you

2011-07-15T07:13:00.000-06:00

image credit ... last.fm

if anyone has been following this blog for a length of time, you will know i have developed a passion for paolo nutini. i am not sure what it is, but i know i love his voice, his music, and his aura. so this weekend i think i'll pull out the cds and revisit the treasure.

i am having coffee with an old friend this weekend as well. we have been trying to work together on a project, but it just hasn't come to fruition. doesn't mean i won't keep trying. life goes on and i work to run beside it. i am finding that i may just need to work a little harder to stay in the race.

dr. allen berger lays out 12 smart things to do when the booze and drugs are gone in his book of the same name. i thought i'd lay them out here as a sort of mantra. i find that with some clean time under my belt, the onset of emotional sobriety is the new frontier.

here are dr. berger's thoughts.
1) know yourself- and how to stay centered.
2) stop allowing others to edit your reality.
3) stop taking things personally.
4) own your projections as an act of integrity.
5) confront yourself for the sake of your integrity.
6) stop pressuring others to change and instead pressure yourself to change.
7) develop a healthy perspective toward yourself, your feelings, and your emotional themes.
8) appreciate what is.
9) comfort yourself when you are hurt or disappointed.
10) use your personal compass to guide your life
11) embrace relationship tensions as the fuel for personal growth
12) the "problem" is not the real problem"

cultural competence?

2011-07-09T19:18:00.000-06:00

bits o' red white and blue

2011-07-02T16:00:00.001-06:00

image credit...Kenneth Cappello

it is 4th of July weekend and i'm very happy for the 3 days. i am much less busy these days as i have let go of my second job. it a mixed bag blessing as i miss the 12K annually and feel that in my monthly budget, but i also have had much more time to just be which has afforded me some depth in my perception of my life.

last friday a colleague and i spoke to a group of african women refugees who are living with hiv. their perspective on the disease is very much contrasted with ours in the states- at least those of us living with it for over 20 years. they still deal with gang rape, stigma, asylum, and death, whereas stateside we have become much less fearful and integrated it into our lives. as we shared our experiences and thoughts about this, there was a visible and collective sigh of relief expressed both verbally and in body language after the interpreters did their work.

all in all it was a very powerful 2 hours for me. i still find it amazing that something i carried around as stigma and in fear can be of such use to others. i'll just put another silver dollar in my recovery piggy bank.

a friend has been struggling with his addiction for most of his adult life. he got sober for about a year but when he was scheduled to go back to his hometown for the holiday, what may have been the overwhelming guilt and emotion cause a restart of his tango with addiction. a week ago friday he was found dead on a bike path near curtis park- no doubt the benzos and some booze are at the heart of the matter for him. i felt some sadness, but an eerie overwhelming sense of relief as well. he really is not enduring the frustration of his situation, nor the aggravation of his ability to manipulate his situation any longer.

as i wait for an opportunity to apply for a promotion, i am again considering the idea of pre-treatment as an additional option for folks who are using. it seems that combining this under the umbrella of recovery support services may make sense. people who are using often have difficulty imagining that anyone lives and thrives without using. and a drop in support group may address this in a peer-educator and culturally competent way.

i thought about the fact that i used to often find myself at the refrigerator door, opening it, and looking in- even though i didn't want anything. it was more a thing that i just did. i remembered also that i used to get high in just the same way, often because i was listless without direction and just had nothing better to do. i have found new things to do.

no matter how many times i hear this song, i absolutely love it. and maybe now i have a slightly deeper connection to its meaning.

So open your eyes child,
Let’s be on our way.
Broken windows and ashes
Are guiding the way.

Keep quiet no longer,
We’ll sing through the day,
Of the lives that we’ve lost,
And the lives we’ve reclaimed.

1974

2011-06-25T08:51:00.001-06:00

the 1970's were a tumultous decade for many gay people. stonewall had ushered in the birth of new energy all over the states. it had become imperative to come out and to be seen as gay.

1974 was a very tumultuous year for me. i was in my 2nd year of my 2nd year of high school (didn't attend much of the 1st try) and i was a loose cannon. i had been sexually active for years already, but my hormones had gone haywire. i could barely be in my skin at any time of day or night. i had already been getting high pretty regularly.

i was living in the chicago suburbs and had been going traveling on amtrak to hang out a gay bathhouse in andersonville (man's country) once or twice a month. i had even hung out at the bistro, the annex, and pq's. impressive because i had only been 15.

my mother had been in an unsuccessful relationship. she had been drinking heavily and was moody and depressed a lot. naturally, i felt it was my fault, as i was a darling narcissist. so on my 16th birthday, i left home and moved in an apartment with a puerto rican drag queen named danee'. she was doing shows around the smaller clubs, like carol's speakesy broadway, and then on halsted.

but before i moved out, i attended my very 1st gay pride parade in chicago in the summer of 1974. life was all so astounding for me at that point. i remember the revelry, and i remember the camaraderie. i felt i truly had found home. i didn't stand out as the only sissy. the only queer. i didn't stand out much at all- (a different kind of trauma to be discerned much later on).

the journey that unfolded from that point had more circuitous nuances than i could have imagined. but at least i didn't have to feel as alone i had in my life thus far. happy pride weekend! pride and 1974 are two of the best things that ever happened to me...

reaching out

2011-06-21T19:53:00.001-06:00

image credit... paul frecker

i believe that working with others has become the cornerstone of my sanity. i struggle so much with many many interior aspects of being sober, but they fall to the wayside when i engage my heart with the well-being of someone else.

this truth has made its way to the front of my daily routine. sadly, i cannot help everyone i encounter, nor is everyone looking for help- either from me or anyone.

but being available to assist is paramount and that is how i spend much of my time. it is definitely a departure from my indulgent focus of my past- and at times it is both a joy and a chore.

the following is an excerpt from "faith, hope, and courage" published by the fellowship of ca. this has also come to represent much of my philosophy. or better my philosophy has been shaped by words such as this reading.

I made it into this Program because someone else worked their Twelfth Step on me. Someone passed it on to me. Someone was out there after they got clean and sober, caring about others. I need to never, ever forget that. Had they simply gone on with their lives and forgotten about people like me who were still out there using and suffering, I wouldn't be here today. My gratitude begins with that fact. It is with that gratitude in mind that I reach out to others, especially the newcomers. I need to have them in my life. That is where my spirituality begins.

For me, spirituality comes from caring about others. I have found that the more I focus on improving the quality of the lives of others, the less I am into myself and my will. I feel a freedom and peace from within. The gifts I am beginning to receive in my life are greater than I could have ever imagined.

Something else I have done is that I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven myself for being an addict. I have forgiven myself for all the damage I did to my life, to my physical health, and to my career and finances. But most of all, I have forgiven myself for all of the horrible, negative and unloving things I have felt about myself. It was not until I offered and accepted my own forgiveness, that I was truly able to grow in my sobriety.

the everchanging expression of pride

2011-06-17T22:50:00.000-06:00

today's huddle was packed to the highest number we've seen since inception. i am not sure if it was because we had scheduled a picnic in recognition of pride or if guys just felt like they needed some sense of community being on the thresh hold of all the pridefest debauchery that is just being set to simmer. it rained quite a bit and we didn't end up going outside to meet. the number thinned out a bit early, and i guess i kinda walked away thinking many folks did need a touchstone of some sort.

we talked about what pride means to us at the present stage of our lives. the responses and connections to that idea were as faceted as the guys present. there were several that talked about pride being a family event- a time when family members got together and made new memories. a few mentioned that they loved the social aspect. they got to see people they only saw once a year and it held good memories. a couple of guys talked about shame. they hated the filming of the parade stuff on tv because the ass less chaps guys and the twinkies in hot pants and no shirts always made the 6 oclock news. they felt is set back the idea of acceptance with their families greatly every time mom and dad watched the "freak show".

several mentioned that they don't remember a sober pride and were kinda looking forward to a new adventure. but they had reservations about temptation and their own abilities to avoid joining the crowd mentality. one guy said he had come to believe that the pride celebration was for the young people. it was to let younger gay people experience some high level feel good about being who they are. another man reported that he always used to look around him for a sense of pride, but this year had decided to turn inward to find his inspiration. and one of the last guys to share said he had never known a pride when he wasn't fucked up. several years, while living in another city, he had stumbled out of the baths on pride day and into the middle of the parade. since he is actively working on sobriety in his life, this year will no doubt hold some surprises.

it was also interesting that several people weren't really clear about the stonewall inn and the riots of 1969. they had an idea, but were not informed nor connected to the history of gay pride. we talked a little about the "it gets better" campaign and it was universally agreed that dan savage's brainstorm is a welcome addition to our group conscious.

it would seem that gay pride- pride- is an evolution. it starts as one thing and moves towards something very different- naturally or not. pride is very much alive. i know i definitely basked in its glow for awhile today...

take me back

2011-06-16T05:31:00.001-06:00

i went to a support group for hiv positive people at a local hospital last night in an effort to be of some service. there were about 4 newly diagnosed people there along with about 10 people who had more time dealing with it all. the conversations were lively and the sharing seemed honest and was intense.

1 gay guy and 3 straight guys made up the mix of hivsters and a common theme was denial. the gay guy had been worried about being poz for a couple of years, but ended up in the hospital with pcp and was outed to his family with not only hiv but also his sexual orientation.

the straight guys mainly talked about how they couldn't deal with it so they just ignored it. one went to prison and the other 2 slipped into heavy substance use (maybe just further) and didn't deal for quite awhile. as i sat and listened to this room full of people, the second emerging theme was the use of substances- especially crystal. the prison sentence was meth-related and his hiv status was meth related. several of the others shared that they had been using crystal but had stopped sometime later.

i'm really not sure if a dent has been made into this crystal/hiv epidemic. i sat there last night and felt as if i had been teleported back into the rooms i was in 7 or 8 years ago. one change is that it is no longer a new story. it's a song that has been played over and over until it is hard to distinguish it any longer. unless you happen to be like the 10 or so individuals in that room last evening and personally affected by the intersection of the 2 plagues.

if you are doing crystal meth and experience difficulty stopping or moderating your use, i encourage you to talk to someone around you. there are counselors and hotlines all over the country that will listen. a good place to start for any tweaker is the tweaker project.

on the road to pride

2011-06-14T07:06:00.000-06:00

crazy is in the eye of the beholder

2011-06-13T19:53:00.000-06:00

wordy chicks on speed

2011-06-12T08:29:00.000-06:00

image credit... karim sadli

this one really brings a smile to my face. the vid is a cover version of an excellent 80's song by the tomtom club. chicks on speed do a great version and the vid is just as cheeky as the lyrics. i have been blogging since 2006 and have really come to a new understanding of both the power and the elusive quality that words can hold. and it remains a source of amusement that caucasian rap can be so very distinctly separate from its counterpart of origin.

i was chatting with a friend this morning at st. marks and she talked about the new woody allen film that involves him travelling back in time to 20's paris. the ex-pats have always held some romantic appeal for me. fitzgerald, hemingway, stein, et al. stein had a large impact on my curiosity as a reader and wordsmith. she played with the concept of writing as a blueprint. she is, after all, the mother of the phrase a rose is a rose is a rose. and her partner alice was the producer of the pot brownie... they did have an impact.

tom tom club made an impact on me as well. they formed as part of an indie project from a talking heads ex-pat. genius of love was their sensational single, but i always loved the sassiness of wordy rappinghood. maybe you will too.

Wordy Rappinghood - Tom Tom Club

    What are words worth?
    What are words worth? - words

  Words in papers, words in books
  Words on TV, words for crooks
  Words of comfort, words of peace
  Words to make the fighting cease
  Words to tell you what to do
  Words are working hard for you
  Eat your words but don't go hungry
  Words have always nearly hung me

    What are words worth?
    What are words worth? - words

  Words of nuance, words of skill
  And words of romance are a thrill
  Words are stupid, words are fun
  Words can put you on the run

  Mots pressé, mots sensé,
  Mots qui disent la verité, 
  Mots maudits, mots mentis,
  Mots qui manquent le fruit d'esprit

    What are words worth?
    What are words worth? - words

  It's a rap race, with a fast pace
  Concrete words, abstract words
  Crazy words and lying words
  Hazy words and dying words
  Words of faith and tell me straight
  Rare words and swear words
  Good words and bad words

    What are words worth?
    What are words worth? - words

plaids

2011-06-07T07:01:00.000-06:00

i have been a counselor for a few years now and i have noticed a shift in my strategies with clients. i used to work very hard to help the client see something new for themselves. this is not so much a focus of mine these days. i have shifted to assisting the client in seeing where they are and reminding them of hope in general.

i don't know if this seem clear, but it is a distinct shift in focus and i have come to believe that hope is paramount in getting clean. all the other emotions come and go, but if there is not a connection to hope, the likelihood of success or even movement dwindle.

most of the guys i work with have the same emotional challenges, but they are layered quite differently with each individual. it's almost like the hundreds and hundreds of plaid patterns that exist. they are all plaid, and yet they are each unique with color, band width, specific pattern, and even texture. it's rarely the same.

i am learning to really appreciate the subtle difference in color and pattern in plaids. i am realizing there is so much i have not understood until now. it is a fantastic and colorful journey.

best fail compilation

2011-05-31T21:30:00.000-06:00

a big ouch...

kinda makes my day seem lucky..

lucky

2011-05-26T23:02:00.001-06:00

image credit.... daniel sannwald

yesterday i stood before a guy who has been twisting and turning in the harsh winds of his enduring romance with crystal. he was crying from his guts as he seared with frustration that his grandmother's memorial services might go on without him because he has been coming up short on fulfilling his probation. he fucking really needed to cry.

some thoughts he shared out loud included " i keep finding myself in this position, rod." "when my mother died i was in jail and i couldn't be there"."when my father passed, i was in jail and wasn't there for my family." "and now again i am here and i am offering no support for them. i was supposed to be a pall bearer."
'
there is no doubt in my mind that he is still struggling with thoughts to use. he claims abstinence since february and i definitely believe that, but i also believe that in the 4 years i have known him, he has shown an elegance in his perception of what he should say in situations. but here, today, i think the tears and the shadows they unleash are truth.

i softly ask if he is able to find an opportunity in all this. he scoffs at the idea, but does acknowledge that he won't use. inside, i am sure he is lucky to encounter this truth. as i hug him and say so long for the day, i quietly and humbly reflect on the thought that this dance with tina has gotten no better, no less evil, no less degrading. and i am grateful i can sit this one out.

spectacular

2011-05-25T06:41:00.001-06:00

this is spinning without all the consequences...

apres le rapture

2011-05-22T20:11:00.000-06:00

and the angels have all gone... nothing left but teabaggers and wanna-bes...:)

rapture

2011-05-20T21:38:00.000-06:00

image credit..martin toye

As for believers, many will be gathered quietly with their families, waiting for Jesus' return. Among them is Tom Evans, 55, who has served as Camping's public relations aide in the lead-up to this weekend. He has been counting down in his 2011 "At-A-Glance" calendar: Day 100, Day 99, Day 98….

In the book, Evans has noted his appointments over his expected last weeks on Earth, and a reminder of his daughter's 3rd birthday. On May 21, he has written the words, "Have mercy Lord!" The rest of the book is blank.

The apocalypse will strike, Camping teaches, on May 21, wherever it happens to be 6 p.m. That means it will be Friday night in America when what Camping calls "super terrible" earthquakes will hit the New Zealand region.

The earthquakes will then roll on, time zone by time zone. The saved, perhaps 2% to 3% of the world population, will be whisked to God, while the rest will be obliterated in what he calls "a super horror story."

Camping reads neither Hebrew nor Greek, the two main languages of the Bible, but insists his arithmetic is ironclad. He calculates that God gave humanity 7,000 years to prepare for its destiny, just as Noah had seven days to prepare for the flood, and that May 21 is the terminus of human history if one counts time by the Jewish calendar. There are other signs of the end, he teaches. Gay rights. The rebirth of Israel, and the Jewish state's rejection of Jesus..... reprinted from latimes.com

i walked around my office today to say goodbye to my bestie fellow workers. it seemed queer and a bit funny as i assured them that i have thoroughly enjoyed working with them and spending time with them, but i was going to be leaving tomorrow. i was to be called home and had different work to do.

this could be viewed as blasphemous i suppose. and i guess it is meant to be a bit of that. to believe that there is a fixed date when the angels among us are to be called home, seems a bit contrived. and a lot of wishful thinking. the angels among us most likely don't fantasize about leaving cuz they are into the task as hand. it makes sense that the "not" angels among us are bored with what they do and long for a change.

just a thought...

Me, amore don't you know
My love I want you so
Sugar you make my soul complete
Rapture tastes so sweet.
Mesmerised in every way
Keep me in a state of daze
Your kisses make my skin feel weak
Always melting in your heat.
Then I soar like a bird in the wind
Oh I glide as I'm flying through heaven.
Me, amore don't you know
My love I want you so
Sugar you make my soul complete
Rapture tastes so sweet.

and another thought is that a mash-up might just be the best nod to this mash up of an idea about the predicted rapture tomorrow. if somehow it comes to be and this is my final post, i want to assure you that i am at peace with my life. although i feel i have much more to do, i know i can move on with peace and feel completely thankful that i found recovery in my life and have been able to share it with others..

a gift of desperation

2011-05-18T05:24:00.003-06:00

image credit.. james porto

i went to an al-anon meeting with a friend last night for the 1st time in a coupla years. of course, they focus on the 12 steps around trying to "fix" or "take care" or "manage" their own lives and the lives of the loved ones who are entrenched in addiction.

it was a larger meeting with over 25 people sharing their experiences, strengths, and hope around their own insanity. and again i found these people telling my story. growing up around a family of self-medicating bi-polars taught me to look beyond my own intuition and consider keeping secrets, silencing angers, and troubleshooting potential eruptions.

so many of my family members used alcohol heavily. my mother seemed to be caught on a teeter-totter of self- destruction and secret sadness. i had an uncle that drank so heavily that he got into vehicular accidents more than once, including one that left many in our family with a belief in miracles. my grandfather had kept a bottle of whiskey hidden in the garage his whole life because he managed better with whiskey in him regularly. and my grandmother was always trotting down to the local bar to drag his ass home before she hit the sack.

these are simply the building blocks of my own brand of insanity. i was a survivor of sexual abuse at a very young age and became what could be perceived as a predator. being fatherless had created a void where this sexual interest by males seemed something to covet- and covet i did. and the more men i snared, the more validation i got and with that came a warped sense of power. so it didn't matter that these guys didn't respect me, or betrayed me, laughed about me, told stories about me- or so i thought.

actually, all that public and private humiliation did take a toll. a great cost actually. i am still paying in many ways. so as i read step one aloud last night in that room- 1) we admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable, i realized that i am (and always have been) powerless over my reactions to my life and that although my life has changed over the years, my responses to these situations are instinctual and ancient.

one of the main gifts of sobriety for me is the ability and grace to recognize my instincts and refrain from indulging them. this is my understanding of the gift of desperation- that my reactions to life only cause me pain and grief and that i need to find to move beyond instinct and learn to ask for help and do things differently.

ambiguously gay duo come again

2011-05-15T07:53:00.000-06:00

creepy, funny, off-color, politically incorrect... we love the duo...

jar of hearts

2011-05-12T06:01:00.000-06:00

image credit fredrik heyman

i am posting this with a friend in mind. he has been waltzing with tina for 10 years or so and now finds himself on the threshold of change in his life. letting go of a security blanket like meth is not easy, but holding on to it and not growing up may just be harder.

warm wishes, sincere prayers, raw tears, and hearty laughs are just some of the things i wish for him.

"Jar Of Hearts"

No, I can't take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus]

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

remembrance of things past....

2011-05-08T09:46:00.001-06:00

as i became an adult in chicago, i used to hang out in the lakeview area as did so many of the gay guys of my generation. it seems so long ago and so foggy somehow now. on the north side, we did not have the same experiences as our counterparts on the south side. the urban decay was much more prevalent in that part of the city. we were part of a much bigger gentrification.

i used to hang at a club called "smart bar" for a few years. at first it was on the upper floors of the "metro" building over by wrigley field. it was set up in several different rooms and was very much like going to someone's apartment for a house party. but then it moved to the basement of the building. i remember there was black astroturf on some of the walls and hurricane fencing separating the dance floor from the rest of the club.

it was reprezenting its own flavor of urban decay. but it also heralded the beginnings of culture crossing in the north side bars and new growth for our city. some of the club dj's were playing hip hop and that particular crowd would come on those nights. the art crowd and the alternative crowd came on different nights. then the marriages of zones three, four, and five began to occur.

under the covers

2011-05-06T19:49:00.000-06:00

i stumbled across this version of the lady antebellum grammy winner of 2010. adele's ease with song continues to amaze me and give me a smile.

sail

2011-05-05T05:36:00.000-06:00

me and music.. we gotta thing.... goin' on....

if you read the last 4 years of my posts, there is music attached to almost every one. my perception and my life has shifted dramatically but my love for music has only deepened. i was driving the 1st time i heard this song and i almost pulled over so i could get the full effect. there is something so visceral about this particular one. sometimes the smartest thing you can do is blame it on your ADD...
hope you enjoy listening even half as much as i do... here is sail from awolnation...

SAIL!

This is how I show my love.
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my ADD baby.

This is how an angel cries
Blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my ADD baby

SAIL!
SAIL!
SAIL!
SAIL!

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself(Chorus: myself)
Blame it on my ADD baby

Maybe I'm a different breed
Maybe I'm not listening
So blame it on my ADD baby
SAIL!

meth minute

2011-05-01T08:38:00.000-06:00

the crash

2011-04-27T04:53:00.001-06:00

here lies love

2011-04-24T10:47:00.002-06:00

Here Lies Love is a concept album made in collaboration between David Byrne and Fatboy Slim, about the life of the former First Lady of the Philippines Imelda Marcos along with the woman who raised her — Estrella Cumpas — and follows Marcos until she and her family were forced to leave the Philippines.[12] The album features 22 guest vocalists and was released on April 6, 2010, under Nonesuch Records and Todomundo in several formats, including a deluxe double-Compact Disc set with a DVD of music videos from the album and a 120-page book. The title is taken from a comment made by Imelda Marcos during a visit to her husband Ferdinand Marcos's embalmed body. Imelda Marcos expressed that she would like the phrase "Here Lies Love" to be inscribed on her tomb stone.

David Bryne released the following statement regarding this album:

“The story I am interested in is about asking what drives a powerful person—what makes them tick? How do they make and then remake themselves? I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be great if—as this piece would be principally composed of clubby dance music—one could experience it in a club setting? Could one bring a ‘story’ and a kind of theater to the disco? Was that possible? If so, wouldn’t that be amazing!”

shut up and make that move

2011-04-21T21:06:00.000-06:00

reposted from lady bunny blog

Black Gay Male Escort’s Story: Drugs, AIDS & Depression

2011-04-17T11:36:00.001-06:00

image and post courtesy of the black gay men's blog

I recently sat down for brunch with a very interesting, retired black gay male escort, who wanted to share his story with Black Gay Men’s Blog. We are calling him Duane because he prefers to remain anonymous, but felt that his story of prostitution aka hustling, drug addiction, bareback sex, AIDS, depression and isolation might be beneficial to some of our readers.
Before I go any further, let me warn you that some of the details recounted might be disturbing. I had a very frank, deep and disturbing interview with Duane over brunch and I am going to try my best to share HIS story without interjecting any judgment. I ask that you guys try not to be too harsh on him as I think we can all learn something from Duane’s story.

Duane is a black gay male, aged 30, who currently lives in Brooklyn, NY. He was raised in Manhattan, as an only child, by a single mother, who sadly passed away 6 years ago. Duane has only met his father once when he was a kid and has no idea where he is today. Duane was diagnosed with AIDS(hopefully you know that there is a difference between an AIDS diagnosis and being HIV positive), when he found out he was positive in September 2010. He currently has a host of health complications and is a shadow of his former self – an extremely attractive black man. Current physical appearance aside, there is something very endearing about Duane and I found myself able to see the inner him and not what he had done, or become..... read the rest of this entry at the black gay men's blog

saluting helen morgan

2011-04-12T21:28:00.001-06:00

The Helen Morgan Story

Morgan begins her career as a Chicago carnival dancer and catches the eye of fast-talking, double-dealing Larry Maddux, whose promotion catapults her to fame as a Broadway performer in Show Boat and a headliner in her own nightclub. She anguishes over her romantic relationships with both him and Russell Wade, a wealthy, married attorney. When she realizes the caddish Maddux merely has been using her to support the upscale lifestyle he has come to enjoy, she turns to drink. She loses the bulk of her money to the Bureau of Internal Revenue and the Wall Street Crash of 1929, hits rock bottom, and is hospitalized in the alcoholic ward in Bellevue. Maddux has a change of heart and arranges a gala testimonial dinner, hosted by Walter Winchell and Florenz Ziegfeld, in her honor. The film's ending suggests this was Morgan's first step on the road to recovery, success, and happiness, which was not the case in real life.

National Meth Hallucination League

2011-04-08T05:43:00.000-06:00

I saw this on Lady Bunny's blog and couldn't help but repost.

Spring Snow

2011-04-06T06:44:00.000-06:00

Miike Snow was formed in 2007 in Stockholm, Sweden.
Band members Christian Karlsson and Pontus Winnberg were childhood friends who spent time playing in bands and working on various projects in studios throughout the city of Gothenburg. Karlsson used to be a member of Swedish hip-hop band Goldmine, who toured with The Fugees.[2] After separate moves to Stockholm, they reunited in 2000. In 2004, whilst working on writing a pop album for Britney Spears, the pair met the third band member, American songwriter Andrew Wyatt.
Karlsson and Winnberg collaborated under the moniker Bloodshy & Avant, and enjoyed a significant amount of success as producers and songwriters. They have worked with artists such as Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Kelis, and won a Grammy Award for Best Dance Recording for Spears's track "Toxic".
The name "Miike Snow" is said to have come from one of their friends called Mike Snow, with the spelling of "Miike" coming from the Japanese film director Takashi Miike.... from wikipedia

There was a time when my world was filled with darkness, darkness, darkness
And I stopped dreaming now I'm supposed to fill it up with something, something , something
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before long long long ago
But I'm still trying to make my mind up
Am I free or am I tied up
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah I slip
I'm still an animal
There is a hole and I tried to fill up with money, money , money
But it gets bigger to your hopes is always
Running, running, running
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody of who could be strong
Tell me if I'm wrong
And now I'm pulling your disguise up
Or you free or are you tied up
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip
I'm still an animal
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah I slip
I'm still an animal
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah I slip
I'm still an animal

just can't get enough

2011-03-27T21:15:00.000-06:00

Singer Mike Posner launched his career at Duke University, where he balanced his undergraduate studies in sociology and business with his musical habits. Like fellow undergrad Asher Roth, Posner began making melodic pop-rap songs for the college crowd, filling his music with references to fraternity culture, dorm life, and young adulthood. He also compiled several mixtapes, one of which -- A Matter of Time -- topped the iTunesU charts during the summer of 2009. After signing with J Records, he finished his degree, graduated with a 3.59 GPA, and released his full-length debut, 31 Minutes to Takeoff, in the summer of 2010. The album featured the worldwide hit "Cooler Than Me." ~ Andrew Leahey, Rovi

A Gift That's Broken

2011-03-12T08:29:00.000-07:00

revived

2010-06-17T02:06:00.001-06:00

thanks for stopping by my blog. i have been blogging about meth addiction and recovery for over 3 years and i am amazed at all the things i've learned and the contacts i have made. my life has changed drastically since i began this journey. please look through the pages and utilize the search tool.

if you are struggling with meth addiction or know someone who is, you may find some resources or ideas that can inspire you or help channel your energy. at least i would hope that can happen.

one very important message i have absorbed is that people do recover from meth addiction. people recover every day. it is not hopeless at all. it is not easy, but it is worth the work. just keep comin' back.

to my friends and online family. i have expanded my writing and blogging to beyond meth recovery. you can find me at my new adventure... revived.. http://www.rebuiltdenver.blogspot.com/

2010-06-16T09:12:00.000-06:00

New Treatment Option for Stopping Meth Abuse that is accompanied with Addiction Psychiatry Options.

Strength Over Speed Colorado

party's over

2010-05-26T23:53:00.004-06:00

undoubtedly way past due, i have come to the close of this online journey. as i look back on the ride, i see many missteps and just as many (if not more) miracles that have happened along my path. i never thought that having an outlet such as this would give me the relief that it has, but there you have it. i never knew there was much outside my boxed in "let's get fucked up" mentality.

if there is one thing i will continue to work on, it is self-acceptance and forgiveness. these are the cornerstones of my insanity and create the most problems for me. they always have. and no doubt i will be working on this as long as i breathe.

i have other projects going. the widget in the sidebar will connect you to two other blogs i oversee. i have also recently taken a position that has the potential of requiring me to put much heart into. this will be a blessing AND eat up energy and drive. i must give up some things in order to make room for new things to move in.

i am considering creating another personal journal. i will contact my self-declared followers and keep you in the loop. but for now, i have some growing to do and a new path to cut.

beautiful men and meth

2010-05-25T07:26:00.001-06:00

Beautiful Men and Meth: How Killer Looks Become Looks That Kill
by Mark Olmsted

(“Steve” is a composite of some of the men I’ve met in recovery, some of whom committed suicide-by-relapse. Constructing this fictional biography is part of an attempt to figure out how inordinate physical beauty—a trait most of us envy—creates its own set of issues in relation to addiction.)
“Steve” grows up in a churchgoing Ohio family, one of three kids. He is just masculine enough to “pass” in high school, or maybe it’s the fact that the girls think he’s so cute. In college he starts to wonder if his attraction to men isn’t as “bad” as he was taught, though his first sexual forays –with his fraternity brothers–involve copious amounts of alcohol. This starts a lifelong association between sex and intoxication.
Steve can’t wait to move to the L.A., where he gets a real estate license and begins to hit the gym with fervor. He comes out to his family, but the topic is largely avoided after he does. He finds the competition at work very tough, and is relieved to land a job as a bartender. His head-turning looks make him an immediate hit, and he learns how to enjoy being the center of attention—a little easier when part of the job is letting customers buy you shots. After work one night, a co-worker offers him his first bump of crystal, but he turns it down. He sees how wrapped up in it some get, and doesn’t want to risk being whispered about. (Being a bartender has reinforced his burgeoning sense that who he is and how he is seen by others are one and the same.)

Steve has a series of casual boyfriends, but bartending doesn’t mix well with relationships. Besides, he likes to go out and always gets propositioned. On his days off, he meets guys at the gym or on line. On some level, he recognizes that the sex is far less important to him than the moment when they say they want him. The compliments even embarrass him a little, but he becomes addicted to hearing them.

One night he goes home with a porn star every inch a fantasy. He offers Steve some crystal, and this time Steve says yes. It’s the first time he has leather sex and engages in serious role play. The connection with this guy seems so intense and real. The crash sucks, but by the next weekend Steve is at it again

The porn star is in an open relationship, and Steve can’t believe he’s letting himself get involved anyway. He’s also having unsafe sex, even though HIV hasn’t been discussed. Aside from the crystal, Steve starts doing steroids. When it’s suggested he do some porn, all of his buttons are pushed. It’s as if the more validation he gets, the more he needs. Steve slowly loses touch with what used to make him feel unique—that funny kid who loved to draw and wanted to be an engineer or architect.

Steve calls in sick a few times too many at work, and they start to give his shifts away. To make ends meet, he starts working on the side as an escort. Soon the “new normal” is even more money and more attention. Now he makes his living straddling the divide between fantasy and reality. He can’t even imagine pulling it off without the meth. When he is high, he feels like the man his clients perceive him to be.
Eventually, of course, the meth stops working the way it used to. Steve is antsy and distracted on his calls, and his repeat clients drop him. His life becomes smaller and smaller. He spends hours on the computer, often hooking up with the same guys he used to dismiss as “tweakers.” He gets a staph infection, and uses it to wheedle money from his mom. Thankfully his family flies into town and stages an intervention. By then, Steve is finally ready to enter rehab.
It’s easy enough to dismiss Steve’s behavior as narcissism, but he’s really just reacted quite rationally to a culture which treats extreme good looks as if they represent far more fundamental qualities. When you are physically “blessed,” people tend to ascribe a lot of traits to you that you may not actually have. It’s much easier not to work on yourself–emotionally, intellectually and spiritually–when a hard body and a winning smile get you all the strokes our society tells you equal happiness.

Many gay men are co-conspirators in this process. We flatter and objectify as we feel flattered by being objectified; we put the hyper-beautiful on pedestals and then wonder how they can fall off. We find it hard to imagine that if we had that face and that body, we wouldn’t have all the raw materials required to win the game of life.

This culture of validation results in a lot of men looking for answers in the mirror, or in the reflection of themselves they see in your eyes. What meth does is blur the line between self and image; it creates the illusion, momentarily, that you are entitled to all your good press. It’s an ersatz, chemically-induced authenticity, but it temporarily squelches the sense of being a fraud—and there is relief in that.

Physical beauty is not meaningless; but we evolved an appreciation for it mostly for biological reasons. Aesthetically-pleasing features and strong bodies represent healthy genes. We won’t stop wanting those who we want—nor should we try. But we can aim for a right-sized reaction to beauty, not attaching assumptions to it that are more projections of our own desire than anything else.
I’ve seen plenty of men get and stay clean. Whether or not they are perceived as physically beautiful, those who succeed universally learn to measure themselves by that which is immeasurable: kindness, love, a spiritual understanding of existence. These are things that never fade and cannot grow old, but always get better with age.

Mark Olmsted is a freelance writer and editor based in Los Angeles. He can be read at the Huffington Post and http://www.thetrashwhisperer.blogspot.com/. He can be emailed at markolmsted@gmail.com and found on Facebook. This article reprinted from Living In The Queer Times

here's the thing

2010-05-22T15:30:00.000-06:00

“A wise old owl sat on an oak; The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?”

one thing i have come to understand with getting sober is that behind all the denial and pomp and circumstance of heavy drinking and drugging stands a person who never really learned how to feel emotions in a healthy way. the advent of getting high allowed me the opportunity to recede my fears, doubts, and self-judgements and make way for inflated ego and outgoing mania-driven adventure.

with 30 or so years of that under my belt, it has been quite the journey to let go of old delusions, understand and begin to see clearly how things are-not to mention why they are- and work towards accepting that information and move forward.

the most interesting and probably most spiritual part of this process has been the ease with which the universe has offered support for me. i have not suffered physically at all. i have always been afforded employment and revenue. i have never wanted to revisit the "old days" by action. sometimes i have through music and memory, but i have been blissfully blessed with no desire to test the "getting high" waters again.

that's not to say i have not had struggles. i definitely have. i have been living with ptsd (both from my childhood experiences as well as my adulthood) and that has probably been the most devastating aspect of having a clear head. reliving trauma and revisiting emotional torture is a monumental task- or has been for me. it has cost me friendships, it has cost me sanity at times, and i have had to recreate my life in sobriety just as i had many times in addiction because to walk through it was too much for me to comprehend.

i am sure there have been damages in my wake. on several occasions, i have found myself terrorized with conflict and unable to negotiate it which led me to step aside completely from relationship. this is not necessarily a nice thing to do. but i did. i hope i continue to get better.

i have started a new group which is a general support group - including mental health and recovery- and i think this process is igniting this post. i sit with these folks and listen to them negotiate their feelings and their perceptions and work on change and continued recognition at the same time. and i am amazed that they come and that they talk and they listen. i am embraced by the similarity in experience and the chance to witness. and at times i get to actually feel that all the bullshit (past and continued) was definitely worthwhile

i got love on my mind....

2010-05-21T02:04:00.003-06:00

i was perusing hiv sites last nite and i came across yet another city's site that has borrowed some of the incredible work from the seattle king county health department. their ground-breaking harm reduction focused advocacy has been echoed from coast to coast and i find myself with my jaw dropped. as i perused this document on a san diego site, this song also played in the background and the idea of "i've got love on my mind" paired with information for hiv poz gay men using crystal with sex was just too parallelled to ignore.

Crystal Hiv